Not All Blonde

we have moved

2011-10-26T20:28:00.001-05:00

okay...I have moved.

putting the past behind me (as much as i can).
starting new blog...same me though.

find me here:
thenextchapterk.blogspot.com

thanks for reading. :)
with gratitude and blessings~
k

2011 in books--part two

2011-03-21T15:18:00.000-05:00

to see more clearly: new vision for women suffering with depression
(draft of my friend's book!)
jamie meyer

walking on eggshells
jane isay

waiting for superman
(book that accompanies the documentary film)

craft hope: handmade crafts for a cause
jade sims

the new family home
jim tolpin

georgiana: duchess of devonshire
amanda foreman

where i am (right now)

2011-03-21T13:10:00.000-05:00

if you have read this blog (when i have posted) in the last year or so, you have read of my journey of finding and beginning a new job/occupation/career. i have been discouraged, encouraged, open and searching, tired and weary, and trusting God each step of the way.

back in december, i began a new journey into the world of the paraeducator. i was a little leary and really questioning myself and what i was hoping to 'do' in this world. since then, God has really confirmed that i am right where i am supposed to be, doing what i am supposed to do.

going back years, one of my original desires was to look into the world of music therapy. at the time, there really weren't many opportunities for education where i live, but the subject matter fascinated me. i loved the idea of taking something that i love so deeply, music, and use it to help encourage and unlock someone from a place in their life.

enter the present.

i began as a substitute paraeducator with our local school system. i would find out in the morning if my services would be needed at a school...every day was a different school, focusing on different children. honestly, it was daunting. it could be intimidating. i was working with children that really struggle with change. as a substitute, i knew that it would be a struggle for them to trust and work with me. i felt like i was trying to help maintain where these kids are at versus helping them to grow. i was discouraged.

i then was asked to help as a long-term substitute at my son's school. for the past few weeks, i have been in a routine...working with the same children each day. i have absolutely LOVED it. i have gotten to see progress first hand. with these children, each small step is celebrated. an increase in verbal expression, physical control, glimmers of recognition as new things are learned...they are all worth singing and dancing over! as i have been digesting all that has taken place the past several weeks, i am seeing God teach some pretty big lessons.

compassion and love. patience and second (and third and fourth...) chances. trusting Him in uncertain times and situations. dependence on Him for strength and energy and insight into how to work with His very special children. God is using this time to teach me much about unconditional love and serving others sacrifically through a group of children and wonderful co-workers/servants. i am humbled and grateful.

i am trusting God each step of this journey. He has been faithful and loving, patient and kind. i know that He is at work in my every day life. i am grateful to be where i am right now.

2011 in books--part one

2011-02-07T10:55:00.000-06:00

i love the winter months as they provide some warm, cozy moments to curl up with coffee in my favorite mug and a book. here is what has been read this first part of the year...

decision points
by g.w. bush

naked heat
by richard castle

the postcard killers
by james patterson and liza marklund

late, late at night
by rick springfield

2011 walt disney world
birnbaum guide

mom still likes you best
by jane isay

urban pantry
by amy pennington

learning disabilities: a to z
by corinne smith and lisa strick

a fistful of rice
by vikram akula

remarkable trees of the world
by thomas pakenham

solar
by ian mcewan

mr. knightley's diary
by amanda grange

a paradox being soothed

2011-02-07T10:51:00.000-06:00

in the bible study that we are journeying through with our moms group at church, we are looking at the life of jonah. we are looking at how to respond to what we consider life's 'interruptions' and are choosing to see them as God's interventions in our lives. i am thoroughly appreciating what we are learning and am praying that God is doing a mighty work in my fragile heart.

this week's homework was looking at God's presence...at how it can be a soothing balm to those who are hurting, to those who seek Him, and how it can be a scorching fire to those who are running from Him. my mind is trying to wrap itself around this paradox...

oh, how we long for God in our lives. (though we do not always say it as such.) we want His peace and His love. we long to know Him and to know how He knows and loves us. God created us with this desire deep in our hearts and minds to long for Him and to know Him intimately.

on the flip side, when we know that we have sinned...made poor choices...want to do things our way...we run from Him. we run from any reminder of Him. His presence, His unconditional love can feel like a scorching fire because it is a reminder of our disobedience.

i think of my relationship with God and the places we have been. i have wanted to hear His voice and wanted silence because i fear of what He might ask of me. i want to trust Him and take steps in absolute faith, yet barely step my toe out because i fear where the step might lead. i trust Him and yet question some of the things that He has had me journey through.

i know that the paradox is not God. it is me. He is constant and faithful and loving and omnipresent and holy and good. i waver and fear and am affected by so many things. i am the paradox, not He...

this study is such a wonderful reminder to me of how God uses imperfect people. the bible is full of the testimonies of God using people that made poor choices, people that had terrible things happen to them, people that had a change of heart and changed how they lived and Who they lived for. oh, how i needed this reminder. God loves and uses imperfect people.

i have been anxious for the next step God is leading me towards. i do not know where it may lead. i am trusting Him and am calling on His presence to soothe me.

(oh...the study we are doing: Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer)

breaking the silence

2011-01-29T20:36:00.000-06:00

from the previous post, you know that there has been heartache in my life. the heartache still continues. sadly, things are not better...but in actuality, are worse. (or so it feels at this moment.) phone calls and e-mails have taken place. words have been twisted and rearranged to the point that one has to question what reality is/was. there has been silence and a bit of space. (which i desperately needed because it helps me to pull back and gain perspective and to look at the big picture of the situation) this time has caused me to look back and consider many things about life. here is a small attempt of sharing what i am learning in this moment:

i am grateful for the home i grew up in. i never once doubted that i was loved. i had parents who showed their love in tangible ways and who supported each of their children by letting them become their own unique people. my parents invested themselves into each of our lives in many ways...ways that i did not know or even understand at the time, but i am beginning to understand now. that experience greatly shaped who i am today. i am grateful.

God overwhelms me with His love and goodness. despite my flaws and the countless mistakes i make, He loves me in the most amazing of ways. unconditionally. sacrifically. tenderly. passionately. so much that He wants to help me grow each day...which sometimes means He disciplines and allows consequences so i can learn. when i think of His love for me, i tear up because it is so overwhelming. what a beautiful thing...

i do not understand God and His ways, but that does not mean that i do not trust Him. i really hate all that is going on in my extended family right now and i wish He would just intervene and bring peace. i am trusting Him that even through the heartache, He is at work and has something beautiful planned. i trust that He is going to bring beauty from the ashes...

my family--my husband and two boys--are such blessings to me. life may not always be easy with them (especially as we are foraging new territory with a pre-teen boy who is working through so many things in his life :) ), but i would not want to journey through life without them... they bring so many smiles to my face and heart and remind me of what the most important things in life are. i love them to pieces.

dear friends are a gift from God. i am reminded each day with phone calls and notes and visits and facebook postings what a treasure friendship is. i thank God that His plan included doing life together.

and silence. i have learned much in silence lately. silence is needed. it allows one to truly hear. it helps to sort things out in the chaos. i am learning that i hear God best when i am quiet because He speaks so softly and tenderly. i could surround myself in busyness and people, but i would miss out on so much. i need some silence. (i think we all do.)

until next time...

a different beginning

2011-01-04T10:18:00.000-06:00

2011 has begun. i always tend to approach the new year not with resolutions, but with remembering how blessed i have been and how blessed i truly am in all ways--spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. i do my best to look to the new year with an optimistic hope and a curiosity of how God is going to move and work in my and my family's life in the upcoming year.

this year is feeling so different because it is beginning with heartache.

we all have heartache and difficult times. i know that God uses those experiences in our lives to teach some of the most valuable lessons. i know that i have experienced deep hurts in the past and have survived...solely because of who God is and the strength He provides.

the heartache is deep because the hurt is coming from family. two people whom i do care about deeply have leveled some of the most cutting, hurting words and sentiments to me and about me and about my family.

what does one do when you try to reach out, compromise, be considerate, be thoughtful, be supportive, be encouraging, be generous when it is not reciprocated in return? does one keep trying despite the hurt that it causes oneself over and over? i understand sacrifice and would sacrifice anything for my family (close and extended) in a heartbeat, but i feel that i am at the point that i can give no more.

my heart breaks because i have been wounded to the core and feel that there is so little left to give. the offending party has winded me. my chest aches not because the things that they said are true, but because everything i have ever done or said has been twisted to be seen as intentionally hurting them. (trying to communicate or be involved is seen as intruding into their life, giving distance and space is ignoring and not caring. trying to help is seen as ordering and bossing around, doing nothing is seen as being insensitive and uncaring. asking questions to which they would not answer and then making a decision without their input because a decision needed to be made is seen as me disrespecting their views and thoughts.) it is not about 'winning', but i feel as though there is no way that i can be successful in existing in their life, let alone having a meaningful relationship.

the only thing that is helping me process this is to look at things from the perspective that their self-focused viewpoint is clouding their eyes from seeing seven plus years of attempted relationship. i know what it is like to live life for myself and i know what is like to live life the way Jesus asks us to (i do not do it perfectly, but i do know that He has been helping me more day by day). i cannot erase who i was before Jesus changed me, but i would have hoped that these two individuals would have seen the dramatic change that everyone else has for the past eighteen years.

i pray that God does mighty miracles in this upcoming year. i pray that He mends and heals and transforms. i pray that He brings resolution. i pray that He takes this most ugly moment and turns it into something beautiful. He is able. and i will trust Him.

2010 in books--part four, the final installment

2011-01-04T09:30:00.000-06:00

i enjoyed looking back at the books i have read over the past year. sometimes, they reflected my mood. at others, what i was desiring to learn to satiate some curiosity. i hope that 2011 is as productive and invigorating read...

enduring love
by ian mcewan

lost on earth: nomads of the new world
by mark fritz

letters to a young therapist
by mary pipher

heroes for my son
by brad meltzer

clean food
by terry walters

the giver
by lois lowry

heat wave
by richard castle
(yes, i know this is a fictitious author. total guilty read.)

private
by james patterson

twilight
by stephanie meyer

how to talk so kids can learn at home and in school
by adele faber and elaine mazlish

a december rambling

2010-12-09T10:27:00.001-06:00

one--i know i have been a bad blogger. i am sorry. really.

two--it is the Christmas season and for the first time in years, my shopping is not completed before Thanksgiving. i do not enjoy shopping in the craziness. i LOVE finding thoughtful gifts for others. i do not enjoy desperation present-hunting. good news is that i only have a few gifts left to purchase and i know what i need to buy, so i am not too worried about it all.

three--after much waiting and praying (and honestly, worrying), i had a first day at my new job yesterday! it was good, overwhelming, confusing, tiring yet energizing, and an adventure. i appreciated the opportunity to serve in this role and am hoping that the substitute status changes to a regular status soon. i have much to learn, but feel that this just might be where i am supposed to be right now...

four--i love my kids. despite the tweener hormones that we are learning to live with here and the fact that my kindergartner prefers his room to be in the 'dump' status, i just have to say that they are the best. truly. they have been teaching me much lately. i hope i am teaching them a thing or two as well.

five--middle school can be ugly. (thank goodness one does not have to repeat it. hopefully.) while working yesterday, i saw all that my eldest son deals with during his school day. it was a reminder to me to make sure that our home is his refuge. it also was a reminder to me of how much i have to be thankful for... it also reminded me to sanitize my hands and to be aware of what my son watches and listens to.

six--okay, this is just plain petty, but i am thrilled that our town recently opened a trader joe's. i get excited about little things.

seven--on my side of the family, our Christmas gift this year is that my extended family will be taking a disneyworld trip together next summer. we started planning. aligning four families' schedules and preferences requires divine intervention. how do i know that God is at work in this? dates, plane tickets, and rooms were all agreed upon and booked this week. i am so excited for the memories of all of us doing this together. i love that my boys get to have grandparent and aunt & uncle memories like this. i feel very blessed.

eight--oh, how i strongly dislike commercialized Christmas. in contrast, i love all that the first true night of Christmas entailed: a quiet, unexpected point in time where God gifted us with a most wonderful gift--the gift of His Son. a time where God used the ordinary to do something extraordinary... i love that God modeled love through sacrifice, not because it cost Him so much and i receive so much more than i deserve, but because it shows me how to love in the deepest way. Christmas truly is not about giving a bevy of luxurious (and unneccesary) gifts, but about giving from the heart...sacrificially, thoughtfully, completely. the first Christmas was God modeling His love for us in a very tangible way. that, i like.

nine--whoever is reading this, i hope that you have a truly blessed Christmas season and that you have a moment to reflect not on Santa, but on the CHRIST part of Christmas. if you are in a rush, you will not be able to truly understand what this season is to remind us of. God speaks in the most quiet of moments. i pray that you have quiet moments to hear God speak to you this Christmas. blessings to you.

until next time...

google experiment, take one

2010-11-22T11:32:00.000-06:00

i am completely amused at what pops up in the google ads with each post and refresh.
today, it would appear that i am a blonde hacker that is going to bible college, who simply must see the latest harry potter flick.

let us experiment...
i am going to type a random list of things that i enjoy and we shall see what google adsense brings to us.

here we go:
(in no particular order of importance)

books, nature, gift giving, goldendoodle dogs, grey's anatomy on thursday evenings, dr. pepper, chocolate, down blankets, my life is good warm socks, coffee, dear friends that love me as i am, crocheting scarves, coupons, avoiding housework, mountains, fireplaces, taking photographs, playing with my kids, giggles, quiet moments, cornhusker football, movies, my itouch, family, long drives, long walks, exploring, Jesus, food, music, learning, compassion international, helping people i have never met, trying new things, shopping with a purpose, target, my husband, listening to my son play the violin, listening to my other son on the piano, anything with caramel in it, quiet evenings at home, hearing about my family's day, pantene hairspray, lipstick, traveling, creativity and all of its' expressions...

i think this will be an experiment that will need to be researched regularly.
now, let us observe the outcomes.

here we go...

2010-11-22T11:20:00.000-06:00

sometimes, i am a planner. sometimes, i love to just let things 'happen' and roll with whatever comes down the pike. i like both. i like the fusion of the two--some expected things and some opportunity to improvise in the moment. i am unsure if that is 'normal' or not. but i digress...

when it came to our children, we did not 'plan' them or try to have them come during a certain time of the year or have them a certain time frame apart. they came just when God wanted them to come. i am trusting God's timing, but i do admit that sometimes, i wish our timing was a bit different...

our youngest son's birthday falls a week before thanksgiving. our oldest is right at the new year. and in between is thanksgiving, our niece's birthday, christmas, new year's, and there are extended family and friends' birthdays and anniversaries sprinkled throughout that time frame as well.

i love the celebrating and time with family and friends. i love planning surprises and i LOVE giving gifts. what i struggle with is that it all hits in the same five weeks. no spreading it out evenly throughout the remaining weeks of the year. honestly, sometimes it feels as though it is a season of gift gluttony without the opportunity to truly be grateful for and enjoy it all.

i pray that my kids know how special they are and how loved they are as their birthday celebrations are surrounded by so much chaos. i pray that they know how blessed they are as they are showered not only with gifts, but by the love shown by their family and friends as they travel to come celebrate and spend time together. i pray that they appreciate the thoughtfulness shown their way by others and that they reciprocate and multiply that their whole life long. in essence, i do not want them to get lost in the frenzy of errands, obligitory gift giving, and 'necessary' traditions. i want them to celebrate and be grateful for who God made them to be. i want them to be aware and active in recognizing and celebrating what God is doing in others. i want them to be intentional about slowing down and appreciating the moment, rather than being overwhelmed by everything that is swirling around them.

if i could plan anything, i would plan for my kids to live life the way Jesus wants them to live. i will have to see what comes down the pike...

a blonde moment

2010-11-17T10:14:00.000-06:00

yes, literally.

while i sit here with my laptop and my cup of coffee, my hair is bathing in a solution that is returning it to its, ahem, natural color. while my husband disputes my 'natural' haircolor, i would like to state here that i have always been blonde... until i colored my hair the day after i graduated from high school. (that was when it accidentally ended up a drab shade of olive. as in green. i LOVE green...just not in my hair. after my mother was rightfully furious with me and we visited a salon that could do wonders, my hair became the 'anne of green gables' auburn i was striving for.) that color gradually faded and i entered college being the blonde that i had always been. years of coloring later, i was working through a difficult time and thought that i should radically change my haircolor as a way to build my esteem or express my frustration or something. DARK auburn with highlights. i felt evil. seriously. lesson learned from that experience: stick with your natural color. you feel much better.

and here we are on this november morning. so, today is golden blonde. we are approaching the winter and i am not going for the super sunny look. i have been champagne blonde, ultra light blonde, ultra light sun blonde, honey blonde, light golden blonde, frosted blonde...i have even done that bleach packet straight up. golden should be good today. that even sounds good. and least i will be encouraged when i look at the mirror and there are not pesky darker roots taunting me. (and those few emerging greys. grrrrrr.)

am i covering up who i am now as i alter my haircolor with chemicals that are probably toxic? i guess i don't look at it that way. i look at it more as maybe holding on to a piece of my past that is a physical part of my identity...even though i generally disdain the typical blonde stereotypes. as i have worked through a few different hair shades, i will refer to that oh-so-typical line... i have had more fun as a blonde.

so honey, argue all you want, this is my natural color. :)

(yikes! look at the clock! need to rinse the toxic sludge off before it turns an entirely unexpected color!)

randomness

2010-11-15T11:31:00.000-06:00

i am feeling rather random today. it is one of those i-need-to-try-and-get-a-variety-of-loose-ends-tied-up-and-some-other-things-started kind of day. so...i shall bore you with my list here, hoping that it helps me to remember and prioritize and motivate.

i have already updated and balanced the checkbook. something i should have done near the end of last week, but i can now say that i have that task completed (until it needs to be done again). i paid some bills and the dog was thrilled that he got to go along for the ride. i cheated birthday baking at the end of the week by ordering cupcakes from our grocery store. they can decorate in ways that i am incapable of, and most importantly, they can create what my birthday boy was asking for. thank goodness! i was getting nervous that i would have to find a way to recreate things in frosting. eek. i got caught up on this week's bible study homework that we will be discussing tomorrow. i guess the silver lining is that it will all be fresh in my mind since i procrastinated the majority of it to today... i took a few quiet moments with my cup of coffee and sent off some quick facebook notes to friends i wanted to encourage. (i probably should have taken the time to write notes, but quick facebook jottings are better than nothing, right?) i got the clean dishes put away and the dirty ones into the dishwasher. i cleaned the toothpaste left in the sink this morning. twice. (two boys who brushed their teeth at different times...)

as you can read right now, i am in process of blogging. i really want to get better at writing more regularly. blog. journal. notes to friends. letters to our compassion kids. whatever. i feel convicted to do it more. i feel better afterwards and there is a little less swirling around in my head. so, writing (via blog format today): check.

i need to exercise in some form. thinking it will be taking the dog for a lovely autumn stroll. wait...let me rephrase. thinking it will be trying to keep up with the dog as he is overly anxious to get going as fast as he can, as far as he can, for as long as he can on this lovely autumn day. need to mentally and physically prepare for that one.

i need to find someone to talk to about the next step in the job pursuit.

*update*
last week i did interview for a position that i applied for back at the start of august, had a physical for the position, got the okay for the position, got the ID tag for the position. good news! right?
well...the position begins in an on-call type fashion, but because i have not worked in this exact role before, i am not qualified for all the on-call positions i am receiving notices for.
so...i have a job that i am not able to work at yet. confused yet? i am!
today's goal: i need to find someone to talk to about the next step in the job pursuit. i have been trying to schedule an appointment with a person that i think can help, but she has been out of the office and out of town...and i am not even sure if she is the person i am supposed to talk to. goal is to eliminate at least a hint of the confusion today. good luck!

my youngest is turning six at the end of this week. exciting! i have been feeling terribly guilty because the weekend is overflowing with things that will compete with a birthday celebration. today is trying to reschedule and reorganize so there is some time to focus on a wonderful, thoughtful, creative, high-energy, brand new six year old. (and i need to get presents wrapped. at least the shopping is done!) with the birthday comes company, which means wow. i need to clean my house! i will probably not dig in too deep today into the cleaning because too much can happen in the course of a week. but...it is on the radar. dust bunnies should be on high alert.

and i should start thinking about what i am going to cook for supper. i am notorious at creating things right at five o'clock. thinking i should try to be a bit more intentional...although some of my favorites have come from my five o'clock planning. thinking tonight will involve pasta in some form.

and my youngest and i began writing a book this summer together. about peanut butter. over the weekend, we both were thinking about it and decided that we need to finish it. so...i hope to find a smidge of time today to pull up the document, rework some wording, and ponder how we shall illustrate. shall he draw the artwork? (there is NO way that i am doing that...his drawings are far better than mine! i can conceive some ideas, but have no skills for following through.) shall we take pictures and he can be our 'star'? do we leave the artwork and just go for something abstract? hmmmmmm. we have work to do!

i do have my daily taxi routine to fulfill as well. double-school pick-ups. thankful that it is gorgeous weather today after last friday's rain and slush-fest.

okay. i know there is plenty to fit into today... now, to go tackle something.

after lunch.

letting autumn in

2010-11-01T13:38:00.000-05:00

turtlenecks and fleece vests, thick and fuzzy socks, down blankets...
all necessities because i want to avoid turning on the heat so i can let the autumn through the windows.

(and i will admit that my toes are frigid, but so enjoying the crisp air. :) )

removing the distractions...

2010-10-26T17:05:00.000-05:00

tuesday mornings are spent with the sweetest group of moms that i have ever met. our church has a bible study focused on encouraging moms in their walk with Jesus. we are doing a study on how to be beautiful offerings to God. it has been good...humbling, encouraging, good.

as we were spending some time discussing the study this morning, i had one of those moments where God lets you open your eyes for a moment and you simply go "a-ha". we were talking about the things that we have counted on in ourselves--our roles as wife and mom to be the core of our identity, letting our goals define us, having our job define our value, depending on our skills to give us worth... and then tears flowed as we talked about when those things have been taken away in our lives. when those things that we were depending on disappear, then what?

here was my "a-ha"...

oh, how quickly i depend on things other than God. i find value in my view that i am a pretty decent wife and mom. i have things that i consider noble that i want to do with my life and i think that those things give me some kind of worth. i want to use my skills and be recognized and valued for my contribution to my church and community. what happens when God takes all that away?

wait for it...

i depend on Him.
(i know this probably is a "duh" thing...but it felt very new to me this morning.)

does God tenderly (and sometimes dramatically) take things away from us or put us in circumstances that we cannot depend on ourselves simply so we can depend on Him?

why would He do that?
i think of how i would do anything for my boys. i would sacrifice anything to help them grow up into the men they are to be. i want to give them gifts lavishly just because i love them, but i do not want to spoil them to the point that they do not understand the point of the gifts. i want them to be strong enough to handle difficulties that life will throw at them, so instead of rushing in to shield them from all consequence, i do let them deal with the blows that life throws them--whether those blows were due to consequence from their choices or if it is just the difficulties that seem to come with life... i am there to hug and dry tears and remind them that they are loved no matter what. in all situations. in all circumstances. i simply love them like crazy.

is that what God is trying to tell each one of us? is He simply helping us to depend on Him?sometimes, the only way He can tell us is by taking the distractions that we have created out of the picture.

He loves us like crazy...and wants us to trust Him and Him alone.

chasing my tail

2010-10-22T10:23:00.000-05:00

my dog makes me laugh. he loves socks and cleaning out the peanut butter jar. he loves to play fetch but doesn't like to give the ball to you. he is highly affectionate, yet has a hard time just being still sometimes. and he can run like a madman in the backyard and in the 'loop' in our home. and when he is really bored, he'll chew on his foot and work to chase his tail until he can finally catch up to it.

as you well know if you have read a few of my posts, i am in the midst of the job hunt. oh, what a journey it has been. i have searched and applied. interviewed and received plenty of rejection. i studied and completed my degree, hoping that it would open many more doors in the pursuit. applied and interviewed some more. i have a very hopeful prospect, but here is where i feel as though i am chasing my tail, just like my dog: now, it does not matter that my degree is in the right field. i need very specific credit hours--a very specific number of them with a very specific GPA. and the amazing thing...this is an entry-level job. i am trying to remain optimistic and present myself well, sharing the oodles of applicable experiences that i have out in the real world, but deep down...i feel like i am chasing my tail. i am not sure what i am going to do if i actually catch it.

i think i shall curl up on my loveseat, just like my dog, right now.

an inconvenient hacking

2010-10-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

as i was walking away from dropping my youngest off at school this morning, i had a call from my hubby. (an unusual time for him to call) i answered the phone with a "what's up?". he hesitated and i began to freak. was he in a car accident? are things okay at work? do you still have a job? did he get a call from family and he is sharing difficult news? ??? i was genuinely worried.

(insert continued dramatic pause here)

...then he shared with me that both his yahoo and facebook accounts were hacked. whoever the hacker is did a great job as they tweaked e-mail address and account settings and made it impossible for him to access account information. then shortly after i posted about the hack on my facebook page, calls and e-mails started coming in. the hacker (who i really need to come up with a nickname for...he has been the topic of conversation all morning here and i feel we may be spending more time together than i would like) sent out an e-mail under the hubby's name that we were in london, we were attacked by a man with a pistol and all our money, id's, cell phones, etc. were taken. we went to the embassy and the police, but they were no help. now, we are trapped at the hotel because they will not let us leave until the bill is paid. could you help us out in our plight?

let us set the hacker straight:
1.) we are at home and did not take any last minute european getaway. it is SO not in our budget. i love to travel, but we have school-age children and i would not be taking them out of school this time of year. and if we were going to take this trip, we would have been telling all of our family and friends immediately because i would never be able to contain my excitement about a trip like that.
2.) we would NEVER contact friends via e-mail to ask for money...even in a situation as bizarre as the hacker suggested. does anyone really do that???
3.) the hacker should not have picked my husband's account to pose as because he notoriously never checks facebook, let alone communicates with everyone via that route. do your homework, hacker!
4.) i had plans for this morning and the hacker completely messed that up.
*sarcastically* thank you, hacker.
instead, i got to go through and verify and change passwords on all of our online accounts. probably good to do this more often than we do, but it is not how i was planning my morning today. i do not appreciate what you have spent your energies on, hacker.
5.) for all the time and energy that this takes for all parties involved--the perpetrator and the perpetrated--YOU COULD BE WORKING AT A REAL JOB!!! you could have made some serious money using real computer skills instead of preying on people with back-alley tricks.

one last thing to the hacker:
i pray that no one falls for your schemes. i know we are not the only account that you hacked. i hope that as you attempt this scheme over and over that you make a mistake that leads to the end of this 'career choice' of yours. i do sincerely hope that you are busted.

to overflow

2010-10-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

mercy and grace are something difficult for me to fathom. i feel and experience them daily, but i admit that i do not understand their fullness, their depths. i am pretty sure that i limit the doses of the two in my life because of how i have been feeling about myself...especially lately. what an unwise choice. i am limiting how God can work in my life. to willfully limit or turn away such a lavish gift--wake up, girl!!!

this morning, i was reminded of the grace and mercy that God extended to me. i was teary all morning during our bible study (and i am pretty sure that all the gals there thought i was some hot emotional mess). it moves me to think of the price that God is willing to pay to love and save me, yet how i quickly forget that or mess things up. in our study, we were reminded of how tenderly God loves and cares for us, of the grace and mercy He extends to us and...here is the part that got to me the most: we are to extend that grace and mercy to everyone we meet because we may be the only grace and mercy they experience today. no one needs to be beat down or judged any more than they already have been. God has limitless grace and mercy that we can share with each person we encounter. oh, how i need to live this way more intentionally...how it could change other's lives...and mine.

i have much to learn, on so many levels. i know that God was reminding me this morning that first, i need to receive His grace and mercy...fully. He delights in giving His grace and mercy and i want Him to delight in me. second, i need to extend that grace and mercy to everyone i encounter. Jesus has blessed me and overwhelmed me with His love and grace. that is what should be overflowing from my life.

what a divinely timed reminder in my life...

2010 in books--part three

2010-10-12T13:24:00.001-05:00

it has been a while. sorry. could give a long-winded excuse, but i will not.
here are the books that i have enjoyed while not blogging...

the short second life of bree tanner
by stephanie meyer

in defense of food
by michael pollan

the help
by kathryn stockett

eclipse & breaking dawn (sigh.)
by stephanie meyer

mozart's sister
by nancy moser

just jane
by nancy moser

the martian child
by david gerrold

the postmistress
by sarah blake

undaunted
by zoya phan

rare
by joel sartore

finding nouf
by zoe ferraris

twilight (double sigh.)
by stephanie meyer

half the sky
by nicholas kristof & sheryl wudunn

the wonder of boys
by (sorry...i forgot)

a million miles in a thousand years
by donald miller

what i am doing...

2010-09-01T11:30:00.000-05:00

okay...job hunting.
tough.
humbling.
discouraging.
energy-consuming.
full of potential.
searching for the right fit.
knowing that it is out there somewhere.
putting myself out there.
waiting.
hoping.
waiting.
following up.
waiting.
waiting.
hoping.
waiting.

transition shock

2010-08-18T22:00:00.000-05:00

today was a big day in our home. oldest child to middle school. youngest to kindergarten.
dog is confused and will not leave my side while the boys are gone. i was overwhelmed by how quiet our home was this morning and early afternoon. it was bad enough that i even...exercised. by choice.

oldest is at the point where he does not want to be let off too close to school, for fear that someone might realize that his mom drove him there. oh wait--EVERYONE'S mom drives them there. and i was a bit concerned about pick-up, but was delightfully surprised by how he wanted to share every (and i do mean every detail) about the first day in this foreign place. (and secretly, i was thrilled that he wants to talk about it all...i hope we have debriefing sessions like this every day. maybe just focusing on the major highlights and not the exact folders and notebooks he needed to grab between each class and why.)

youngest had his stubborn moments of not wanting to smile for a picture. or wear the shirt that we picked out at the store together. or wear his backpack. (he only wanted to carry it over his head.) but the BEST was him running to me out of the building to give me the best kindergarten hug ever. and when i asked him about his first day, he replied: "it was... ... AWESOME." all the parents around me got a giggle out of his reaction.

so, all in all, it really was a good day. it seems strange to call this 'normal'...both boys gone all day long. and me exercising. i think they are transitioning just fine...it is this mama that is in a state of shock. i think it will get easier day by day...

slacker

2010-08-12T12:27:00.000-05:00

yes...i have been a blogging slacker this summer. call it a rest, a desire for quiet and/or reflection, silence...but please don't call it laziness. (i can have a rather fragile self-esteem. :) )
honest confession: i think really, it has been a feeling of that what i have to share doesn't feel all that important or blog-worthy. i know...each day has its' purpose and importance and i truly am grateful for each day. i just don't always feel like sharing all that is going on. especially while i am working through and processing things.

i am in the midst of the job-hunting quest. i have taken steps to try new things and think out of the box. i have faced rejection. i have been in some vulnerable places. i have had surprises come out of left field. and i am waiting. and waiting. and sending follow-up calls and e-mails. and waiting. in fact, i am going insane waiting to hear about the most feasible and exciting prospect right now. i didn't want to blog about how i am going crazy waiting...but here we are...

over the summer, i have traveled some with my family. badlands, black hills, and monuments. jagged rocky mountains and serene lakes. those were definitely some of the high points of my summer. i wish traveling and experiencing new places with my family could be a paying job. Hmmm... (oh, and i absolutely have to mention a family reunion that took place in hordeville. yes, that is the town's name. i am working to relocate the next reunion to a slightly larger town.)

there has been music and serving. sleeping in and coffee. card games and laundry. writing and photographing. running through sprinklers and cleaning up drippy popsicles and ice cream. cooking and trying new foods. (that is a wonderful part of summer.) reading books and searching through websites for job listings. zoo visits. birthdays and anniversaries to celebrate. lots of 'normal' things that have filled the summer days full.

and near the end of this summer break, bittersweet times. my grandpa's journey with cancer and old age came to an end. he passed on my husband's fortieth birthday. i am sad for the loss and what that means to my family, but i am grateful that he is not suffering. i am sure that he is enjoying a cup of coffee in heaven served just the way he always liked it--cream and sugar with some coffee stirred in.
the rest of summer will include visiting my grandma and encouraging her however we can. we will drive there tomorrow and hopefully bring smiles to her face and heart. and then there is the final approach to school. my boys are growing up before my eyes...and they both start on new journeys--one in middle school (pray for him) and one in kindergarten (pray for him too).

so, i have been a blogging slacker, but i have been living life one day at a time. i have been trying to live boldly, taking new steps, taking nothing for granted, and appreciating all the little things that come together each day. i don't mind being called a slacker when it comes to blogging, but i never want to be called that when it comes to living.

2010 in books--part two

2010-06-11T10:27:00.002-05:00

i am finished with classes and it is summertime. bring on the reading!

here's the latest since the last listing...

the divine commodity

by skye jethani

the flying carpet of small miracles

by hala jaber

48 days to the work you love

by dan miller

mad church disease

by anne jackson

gorgeously green

by sophie uliano

dear john

by nicholas sparks

water for elephants

by sara gruen

i am nujood, age 10 and divorced

by nujood ali

the career guide for creative and unconventional people

by carol eikleberry

delighted

2010-06-11T09:56:00.003-05:00

over the long memorial day weekend, we had the opportunity to travel to the black hills area of south dakota to see my niece baptized. it was a full weekend as i wanted to try to experience as much as possible in the three days we had in such a beautiful area.

on our way there we had the scenic detour of the barren badlands, followed by the required photo shoot at wall drug. (everyone needs their picture taken with an oversized jackalope!) we stopped at storybook island for a picnic supper...i know that this would be one of the last times we would stop there with our children as they are growing up right before my eyes.

there was a baptism and time with family, close and extended. lunch and time at mount rushmore, experiencing a truly american sight. we drove through custer state park on the needles highway--my favorite drive in the area, and stopped at sylvan lake and walked around.

even on the drive headed home, we made sure there was time for the very scenic spearfish canyon and experienced its' three waterfalls. and then we were blessed with the most beautiful clouds the entire drive back to our hometown.

yes, it was beautiful...but there was a moment...while we were driving through the needles, that there was a true whisper from God. i get goosebumps thinking about it. my eyes tear up as i think of who God is and how tender He is to us.

we had been driving for a bit and i made a comment out loud to my family that it was rather different that we hadn't seen hardly any wildlife this trip. yes, we'd seen some deer...but not much more. and then i said, "i want God to just 'wow' us. i want to see some big horn sheep or something." and the drive went along...

and we came around a large curve and slowed down for the truck that was pulled over on the other side of the road. there was a large, majestic lone buffalo grazing right at the side of the curb. i smiled...God let us cross paths with some of the wildlife i was longing to see out in its' natural habitat. and then we drove...

then...oh, then...took another curve and... not only was there one big horn sheep, but seven, SEVEN! gathered right there. right there on the hill by the road! followed on the next curve by deer! and then colin, my youngest, said that we hadn't seen any chipmunks yet and he prayed that we would see chipmunks. and around another curve, we saw a chipmunk scurrying across the road.

as we finished the drive with the sun setting as we reached the hotel, i had to ponder on how tender and generous God is. as the psalmist declared, He longs to delight us.

whoa. i've read that and thought "oh, how nice." but this was real. it was a small thing that i was thinking/asking and God not only provided that encounter with His creation, He went far above and beyond what my expectations were. He not only gave, He gave more than i could imagine. how like God.

i know it's not about asking God for Him to just give us things or experiences. i know that it isn't about me and my wants or desires. it is really about who He is, about His heart, His character, His love. i am overwhelmed. He loves me so much that He would answer the smallest of desires of my heart just to remind me of His love for me.

my eyes water...my heart is full...and i feel loved. He delighted me.

+/-

2010-05-24T17:00:00.003-05:00

up and down. positive and i guess, negative.

been a good day is some regards, difficult in others.

accomplished a long awaited goal.

unexpected e-mail that is both a positive thing and a difficult one all at the same time.

wonderful reminders of why parenting can be such a joy...

and reminders of what a difficult job it can be.

i am feeling a bit torn in two.

i want to smile and laugh one of those deep belly laughs that you like to only do in private because of how loud and obnoxious it is.

i want to let some tears out that are born from things in the not-so-distant past.

i really am feeling both extremes at the same time.

and that is...confusing...

neutral?

...

taking a few steps together

2010-04-20T14:43:00.004-05:00

we all have a story. we all are on a journey. i know...this is not a revolutionary thought...but it is.

spent some time with an acquaintance that is becoming to be a dear friend. as we were walking and chatting, i began to learn some things about her that i would have never guessed during our previous talks. the conversation was very onion-like as we continued...with each little thing shared and a little more trust established, more personal things came out...one layer at a time.

i think God knew i needed a conversation like this today...the opportunity to see that we all have struggles, luggage from the past...but that we all are on a journey where He is restoring us, teaching us, shaping us, challenging us, growing us...and He has us on the journey together. we can help each other up when we fall down, we can encourage one another if we are slowing down or lagging behind, we can celebrate victories together...

i walked a few steps with a friend today. i am grateful for what God has done and continues to do in her life. i am grateful that those few steps encouraged me in my walk today...

proud mama

2010-04-16T10:29:00.003-05:00

last night my eldest had a performance with a strings group he was selected to be a part of. as parents, it was a sweet evening--to see that all the driving around and extra lessons and lecturing at home that "yes...you HAVE to practice today" moments truly do have a reward. yes, he's learning a discipline that will benefit him his whole life. yes, he's learning an appreciation for the beauty of music. yes, he's meeting new people and learning how to work together. but, the best part was hearing him going to bed and saying "THAT was fun."

2010 in books--part one

2010-04-08T10:16:00.003-05:00

was thinking back to what i have been reading lately...well, since the start of the year. i have read some good stuff! but, i know that my brain does not always function on all cylinders so i thought i better document somewhere what i read so when someone asks me, there will be something to refer to. here is the list so far... (in no particular order other than the order in which i could actually remember the titles) here's to some fabulous reads!

secondhand jesus

glenn packiam

three cups of tea

greg mortensen

to the summit

margo chisholm

eat, pray, love

elizabeth gilbert

the twilight series (again)

stephanie meyer

enough

roger thurow and scott kilman

the road to paris

nikki grimes

diamonds in the shadow

caroline b. cooney

peak

roland smith

red glass

laura resau

bible (a continual read :) )

God

Jesus calling

sarah young

havah

tosca lee

numerous kid books

social psychology textbook

(yes...i truly did read the whole book)

world regional geography textbook

(halfway through that one...absolutely fascinating!)

i started a fiction book based in tuscany, but it was LAME so i quit

(and it was not 'under the tuscan sun' book either...)

i wanted to try

pride and prejudice and zombies (and the others in the series)

got it at the library and just could not bring myself to read it.

why do that to dear jane???

read a few books on living 'green' and a book on parenting, but the titles completely escape me

i am curious...what have YOU been reading?

intentionality

2010-04-05T09:11:00.003-05:00

this weekend, some of the world chose to recognize the Easter holiday. some do it with family gatherings and ham dinners. some call upon a mysterious bunny that leaves little plastic eggs filled with sweets. some deck their homes out with bunny decorations and pastel flowers. some get all dolled up in a new dress or hat or outfit and maybe even visit a church. some do all of the above. and then there are some who, while possibly gathering with family and eating ham and desserting on chocolate, are reminded of something that cannot be seen, but is felt at the core of their being and has dramatically altered their life. they remember that about two thousand years ago, a very unique God-man came to this world and just a few short years later, became the ultimate sacrifice for all of mankind's sins.

on good friday evening as my family watched 'the passion of the christ' together, i could not help but remind myself that i should be reflecting on Jesus this much every day...a holiday weekend is a nice way to intentionally focus, but really, i should be this intentional every day. yes...EVERY day. how quickly i take what Jesus did for me (and for all mankind past, present, and future) for granted. it is just a part of my day-to-day living knowing that i am loved and forgiven and have a future that spans for all of eternity. watching that film was a reminder of how costly my Jesus paid for me. He ached emotionally, physically, spiritually. He took humiliation and unjustice knowing that as He did, He was taking care of things for ALL time for all of humanity. despite the very human feelings of fear and rejection, He was willing to take the cup of God's wrath because He loves us SO much. Jesus was so intentional with the choices He made. Easter weekend is a reminder of that. i need to follow His example...i need to intentionally choose to follow Him every step of every day.

i am praying that i live this way more each day...intentionally choosing Jesus with each step. it may be costly, as our Example has modeled, but it is the only way to truly live.

mixed metaphors

2010-03-29T14:34:00.004-05:00

ever wonder what God is going to do with something? ever wonder why He allows certain things to take place or come together? ever wonder why He puts all these seemingly random things together in your life?

i am in that place. i have been wallowing in it for a little over a year now. i do not understand why some things have happened in my life (but know that He plans to make good out of all things). i look back over years and see all these things that do not necessarily 'go together' and wonder what recipe is He mixing together for my life.

there is music and retail and God and church and biblical studies and psychological studies and broken relationships and new relationships and restored relationships and hardships and blessings and family and love for children that i have never met and creative outlets and a struggle with identity and travels and experiences and feelings and opportunities and fears and passions and curiosity...and more...

how do the pieces fit together? (or do they?) where does all this lead next? how does this complex tapestry of who i was and who i am and who i am yet to be look like? feel like? going to accomplish?

i could worry, fret, fear, speculate, freak out.

i am not going to do that.

i am going to take each day, give it to God, and see what He is going to create.

He made me.

He knows me.

He has a plan for me.

He truly desires what is best for me.

He has not forgotten or forsaken me.

He blesses abundantly.

He loves extravagantly.

He extends grace and mercy.

He is patient beyond understanding.

i am anxiously awaiting to see how the recipe turns out, how the jigsaw pieces fit together, to see what the tapestry looks like in its completed state.

a step today

2010-03-18T12:12:00.003-05:00

today, i am a hodgepodge of emotions.

last week, we registered our oldest for middle school.

today, we register our youngest for kindergarten.

i am excited for how my boys are growing up towards manhood. i am loving to see and experience them growing up. i laugh at how their sense of humors are developing and how they incorporate what they know of the world into their day to day conversation. i appreciate some of the independence that they are gaining...but struggle with how my role changes a little each day.

i am a little teary because my first-born is getting ready to step into unknown territory (and i remember some of the heartaches of middle school) and my baby is not a baby anymore (and he keeps crying that he would much rather stay at his preschool and wonders who will keep me company in the daytime while he is at school...as i reminded him, thank goodness we have our dog and cat!).

i am launching my children a little farther into the world each day. some days are easier than others. some days i want to let them soar and other days i want to hold them a little closer than i did even the day before. i am so grateful that God helps us on this journey and has us walk only a step at a time.

okay...off to register...and then we will come home and play. :)

falling facedown

2010-03-02T12:50:00.003-06:00

this morning at church, i was reminded of something that God has taught me before but that i needed to hear again.

"in God's economy, the way up is down." (quoted from Beth Moore)

that is: the way of being closer to God is to lay down in humility, physically lay facedown in worship.

there is something in the actual physical act of laying facedown before God. for me, it helps me to surrender to Him completely. i cannot hold on to one tiny piece of anything when i am on my face before God. it makes it easier for me to completely surrender to God and what He desires. i admit that it has been months since i have done this physical act of worship. it makes me sad that i so quickly leave someOne when i know what it is that i need to do.

i know what i want and need to do this afternoon...

a monday of small disappointments

2010-03-01T14:10:00.003-06:00

i generally like the idea of getting into a new week. mondays really are not that bad...but today has been a day of small disappointments. nothing devastatingly life-changing or catastrophic, but enough to dampen one's mood.

i have one, yes, ONE, class left to finish my degree. it is a general education class...nothing "tough" or hardcore and it has been a massive pain to find something that works. i have submitted a list of about ten classes to my academic advisor to see if any will work. (this is after the other list of five...) i just want to finish and it is still a waiting game. i am praying that the advisor gets back with me very soon because if i cannot get into a class this quarter, it bumps graduation date back.

in january, the main stone on my wedding ring decided to dislodge itself and run away. thankfully, insurance (minus deductible) will cover the cost, but i am on my fifth, yes, FIFTH, series of calls to iron it all out. jewelers and insurance agents, oh my. just ready to wrap this up and 'be married' again. (it feels very naked without a wedding ring on after almost fourteen years of wearing it!)

vacation is a terribly important thing for our family. not because we are so stressed that we need to "escape", but because we realize that our boys are growing so quickly and our time with them is limited. vacation is some serious memory-building time. we found out today that the vacation we were planning...the cabin may not be available at all this summer. this place has become a 'home away from home' for us and we are praying that somehow, there is a week available for us. we have already been dreaming and planned out the hikes we wanted to accomplish--including a summit this year! oh, please, please work!!!

i went to donate blood today and could not due to low iron levels. grrrrrr. i want to help and cannot until my levels are up. (i know that it sounds crazy to be disappointed to not be able to give blood, but i really wanted to help someone and i am not sure when i will have a child-free window of time to do this for awhile...)

so...nothing that gives this monday an it's-the-end-of-the-world feeling, but enough to make it really feel like a monday.

thank goodness tomorrow is tuesday.

step...step...step

2010-02-26T14:48:00.003-06:00

i have been in a 'mountain reading' mood lately. blogs, forums, books... i have been missing the mountains and have the desire to do some serious, long, contemplative hiking. since the closest thing i have to mountains here at home is the hill we take the boys sledding on, reading will have to do.

i think the idea of 'journey' is something that i really relate to right now in life. we may not always know what the end will exactly be or even what the final destination is, but part of the enjoyment and meaning and fulfillment is the road getting there. i feel like i am in that middle part, not knowing exactly where i am heading, but know that there is something worth climbing to. i keep taking a step followed by another one. there are things to enjoy along the way...but i have to admit that i am feeling weary without knowing exactly where this path is going.

i was so grateful for today's devotional in Jesus Calling. it was a reminder of God wanting each step--that i am not to worry about tomorrow, i am simply to trust Him today.

step...step...step...

i thought it was something little

2010-02-23T12:42:00.002-06:00

i have been feeling highly convicted lately to pray for, think about, write to, my dear sweet children that are around the world--my compassion children. i shamelessly admit that i get teary-eyed when i hold and read each letter from them and look at the few pictures we have of them. i feel like i do very little for them--sponsorship, writing letters and e-mails, and sending a small packet of photos and hand-drawn pictures from my children to them seems like a trifle when i know a portion of all that they struggle with in day-to-day life. and then i read this:

http://blog.compassion.com/child-expectations-of-their-sponsors/

those little e-mails and notes are making a difference in children's lives.

that humbles me.

got my funny bone

2010-02-01T10:51:00.001-06:00

attitude, persuasion, conformity

2010-01-19T15:31:00.004-06:00

those are the primary subjects i have tackled so far in this week's class reading homework.

a few weeks into this social psychology class, and i honestly am overwhelmed at the human capacity to be so influenced, even on subconcious levels. we are easily persuaded, influenced...worried about fitting into ingroups and outgroups...fall into falling for prejudices that we do not even know are there...

it has been a powerful reminder to me about how God made us...He made us each uniquely in His image, yet sin has marred His creation. instead of resting in who He made each one of us to be, we are concerned with what others think of us--sometimes even putting others down just to feel better about ourselves, of struggling with self-esteem since we do not fully understand, nor rest in, what He created us to be...

for just a moment, i am going to rest in the fact that all God wants me to be is the unique creation He made to fulfill specific purposes.

(what do you think of that? is that okay?)

forgive me

2010-01-09T09:06:00.002-06:00

i have not been a very good blogger for some time now. there have been things worth writing about. there has been time to write. i simply did not feel like expressing all of life in blog-form for the time being. the 'old-school' actually-use-a-pen type journal won out. i was reminded by the ache in my hand that i should probably physically write more often...you know, to build up strength.

the latest:

after some research, found out that i only needed two classes to complete my bachelor's degree. this is something that should have been done years ago, but alas, life happens and my priority has been my family. BUT...the stars have aligned so to speak and it is time to finish this puppy up. this past week, i began a five-week accelerated social psychology class. should be good, but very time consuming with the homework volume each week. then, will take one other class independently once i get past this first one.

had a job interview this past week as well. praying it is the right fit. could be a very engaging, exciting job...and the bonus is that it fits with my family's schedule where i will still be available for my kids. need to wait for the rest of the interviews to take place and then i will find out final decisions. so...i wait.

winter activities are kicking off today. basketball and extra music things for one son and preschool field trips for the other. i am sure that God knew what He was doing when we were blessed with only two children...i am clueless as to how some moms keep up with so many schedules!

and speaking of winter...yes, it is! record cold, record snow amounts, record amount of school snow days used. it has felt like an extended winter break with the exception that we have been trapped in our home. (that is not a bad thing...) i enjoy some snow, but this is a bit extreme. feeling a bit stir crazy today...

okay...brief update. better get some coffee in me.

serenaded

2009-12-11T16:55:00.002-06:00

my fifth grader willingly came to me (fully on his own accord) and asked if he could play a song for me on his violin. i love it!

thankful in all things...

2009-11-25T14:15:00.003-06:00

i truly appreciate the thanksgiving season and its' reminder that we have so much to be thankful for. (actually, i think that thanksgiving gets short-changed...christmas has been set out since before october and thanksgiving is just squeezed in an aisle between halloween and christmas. grrr.) anyway...

i have been trying to be intentional and think about all that i have to be grateful for each day. big things. little things. even the stuff i don't necessarily like, but can still be grateful for. and then this week has happened.

i learned about divorce in extended family that we didn't have a clue that was coming, praying for a friend's health and tests that give more concern than answers, some tension in some relationships that you feel like you need to be switzerland to, but you feel more on one side than the other...and then i had read a book about some of the social injustices in the world and the news and...

and then the reminder to stop. breathe. remember that God is God of this world and works in all things, has a plan that is above all things, and never EVER leaves our side (even when we think the difficulties are more than we can bear.) He is King and i am grateful, thankful, appreciative that He is over it all.

brilliant thought...gone

2009-11-17T16:13:00.002-06:00

as i was sitting in study this morning, i had a brilliant thought. it was an a-ha moment and i was inspired. during our coffee break, i thought of an entire post that i wanted to type. i was sure that i would remember it all when i would have time to sit down at the computer this afternoon.

and now...clueless. cannot remember a fragment of what it was about. i remember who i chatted with this morning. i remember the talk that the speaker gave. but not a clue of what my thought was.

lesson learned--reach in my bag, pull out a piece of paper and jot down a few words so i will not forget!!!

silly tears

2009-11-10T15:29:00.004-06:00

i am feeling a little silly. i just spent about fifteen minutes just looking at a website of a place i would love to live near. i have scoured their website and looked for possible jobs (of which i am definitely not qualified for, but oh, it would ROCK!) and searched all of their visitor tips.

but here is where i felt silly...i was looking at their photo gallery and teared up. okay...i cried. an honest-to-goodness cry. it is just so beautiful and the idea of even looking at that every day, not just maybe once every few years...that overwhelms me...in a good way. it is a dream and what i wouldn't give to make it a reality.

is this the beginning of taking a step of lifechange? the desire to be someplace different and breath-takingly beautiful? to want to go someplace that would be a risk to my 'normal'? the thought of this place is daily (and often more than once a day). i wonder why this draw is so strong...

hmmmmm...

2009-11-04T09:17:00.002-06:00

do i want to...

read? write? take pictures? craft? think? watch? play? build? dream? walk? talk? eat? drink? snuggle? search? clean? (ummm...not in the mood for cleaning.)

feeling indecisive but wanting to do something big.

we will see where today goes.

You are for me

2009-11-02T14:36:00.000-06:00

be still

2009-10-22T14:24:00.003-05:00

we are going on week number two of having sickness in some form residing at our home. first it was me with the sinus crud...finally in the end stages. next was my littlest with one of the nastiest coughs i think i have heard. it has a firm grip on him and we just cannot seem to shake it. my eldest is in an on-again-off-again state of illness...so we are just praying that it wraps itself up quickly and is over with.

i don't think any of us enjoys illness. the extra time at home is nice. the wearing of pajamas all day is a nice break. but the actual illness...not so much fun. colin (my littlest) thinks that being sick means that you get to hang at home in your jammies, watch extra tv and play video games. oh, how he has gotten to learn this week that that is not so. he has fought me intensely each day that he does not need rest. he does NOT need rest. and yet, each day as i make him purposefully be still for just five minutes...he falls asleep and naps for a few hours.

looking at him right now, peacefully sleeping on the couch...makes me appreciate these still moments. i love his energy, but i love how peaceful he can be too. i am truly hoping that these still moments help his body heal and that we are running around like crazy again soon...

He saves me

2009-10-02T10:45:00.003-05:00

psalm 116:1-6 (msg)

I love God because He listened to me,

listened as I begged for mercy.

He listened so intently

as I laid out my case before him.

Death stared me in the face,

hell was hard on my heels.

Up against it, I didn't know which way to turn;

then I called out to God for help:

"Please, God!" I cried out. "Save my life!"

God is gracious—it is He who makes things right,

our most compassionate God.

God takes the side of the helpless;

when I was at the end of my rope, He saved me.

unlike the psalmist, i am not in a life-threatening situation, but i have been/am in a difficult season. i have been trying every day to talk to Him about it all, but i will not lie, there are days that i have been weary of talking...and hearing and feeling nothing but silence. i know that He is there. i know that He listens and loves and cares. but silence is hard. waiting is hard. being unsure of my direction is hard. not knowing what is going to happen next is hard.

then i read this and am encouraged...He is listening. He will make things right. He is compassionate. He will help me. He has saved me in the grandest of ways and will save me each day. all i simply need to do is to cry out to Him. look to Him. depend on Him. the littlest thing in my life does matter to Him--He listens so intently. and He will answer...

atrophy

2009-09-30T21:01:00.003-05:00

poor nourishment. lack of exercise. process of breaking down.

while in the process, one does not necessarily feel all that is taking place. trials and difficulties come, but one would still feel 'okay.' there are easy reasons to explain the weariness, the lack of purpose, the blurry focus. the breakdown is slow, gradual.

and then...

you experience it--life in its fullest. you see and feel and taste and touch and know all that you have been missing out on. and you simply want more. but you realize that it will take so much more work because you are atrophied. you need to rebuild strength and muscle and focus and drive.

step by step. one determined step after another. and eventually, taking a step isn't so hard--it becomes natural again. then, taking steps won't be enough. it will move from atrophied baby steps to hesitant shuffles, to a confident step, to full strides, to running...running freely and laughing. running freely and living life to the fullest because One breathed the very idea into us.

afternoon joy

2009-09-02T14:06:00.005-05:00

took my dog for a walk this afternoon around the lake in a local park. he was borderline giddy. (if dogs can be such a thing.) sniffing down a billion different scents, chasing grasshoppers (not enjoying it when he caught one in his mouth), sitting at the shore and taking in it all... i think i enjoyed it about as much as he did.

the power of the commerical

2009-08-28T11:44:00.002-05:00

i like yogurt. my kids do not...well...they will eat it when forced upon them under threat of not getting television time or video game time.

then enter: the commerical.

zach and cody are super pumped about their danimals crush cups. my boys can recite the commercial verbatim. i have heard about how good they are, how fun they are, how good they are for you. my youngest has begged me for them each trip to the grocery store. they have told me how much they like yogurt--only danimals yogurt. they have resorted to accusing me of not being a good mom because i have not purchased 'fun' food like that.

then came: the coupon.

there was cheering from the grocery cart today. the day was finally here--coupon in hand--we could FINALLY get the danimals crush cups. colin talked cheerfully all through the store about how he did not want his crush cup for a snack, he was saving it to be a part of his lunch. he was going to eat it all and it was going to be so much fun.

then: lunch.

who needs his favorite peanut butter sandwich when there is the almighty crush cup? i watched as he ate...no, DEVOURED...the few ounces of strawberry banana yogurt. he has NEVER eaten yogurt like that before. he slurped. he licked every corner of that little red container. he smiled all throughout. i smiled inside thinking: why didn't i think of this sooner? let them eat yogurt without a spoon. not in a bowl but in a little plastic cup that they can smash and squish. and the best part...let them slurp.

how can i convince advertisers to make vegetables that fun?

wisdom?

2009-07-15T13:54:00.004-05:00

in reflecting on the past months and years, i have been thinking of things that i wish i would have done differently, things that i would have done exactly the same, things i would have done--but would have gone about them in a different manner than i did previously.

is that part of how wisdom is gained?--of learning from previous experiences? i do not know if that is how wisdom comes about or not, but i do know that it will be a life-long and continual process.

lemonade

2009-04-23T09:50:00.004-05:00

i have decided to make lemonade today.

i have time to play with my son today without any hurry. i have time to exercise without feeling like it is an obligation crammed in at the end of the day. i am meeting with a friend later today to study the bible and talk and pray. i have had time to call family that i so needed to talk to. the weather is pretty much perfect, so there will be time to just go in the backyard and be. i will make the most of these opportunities and will continue to do so.

using the lemons for something sweeter...

aching

2009-04-21T16:24:00.003-05:00

i have been aching with a terrible hurt. chest burning, head clouded, tears streaming.

i have questions that may have no answers. i have heard things that were good for me to hear, things that hurt me to the core, things that brought me to tears because the time is difficult and yet there is the reminder of how wonderful dear friends are, things that remind me of Where i am to look and put my trust in. it still aches.

i have been up and down and up and down and up and down and up. there are no answers at this exact moment other than to look Up, love wholly, and put one foot in front of the other and trust the One who is leading the journey. i am broken, yet i know that my brokenness reveals Him at work, showing Himself in His glory, showing His unconditional love, showing His grace and mercy, His strength.

if aching brings me to Him, i will ache always.

good friday

2009-04-10T15:44:00.002-05:00

good friday is always a day where i am not sure if i should feel ecstatic because of the spiritual significance or in mourning because of the deep cost that Jesus endured on my behalf. it is a day where i come before God in humility because i realize just a taste of what He was willing to do to have a relationship with me. i cry because i realize how unworthy i am and how selfless and complete His love is. i feel so small and insignificant and so loved and adored in the same breath.

i do not want to go about just as if it is any other day, because the day represents something so profound, life-changing, eternity-changing... i am looking forward to our church service this evening--just to worship a God that loves so completely, so lavishly. all i can do is bow down and offer all of me back to Him in return.

fresh start

2009-04-08T14:50:00.003-05:00

i love spring. it is a reminder of fresh starts, new beginnings... colors pop from the dullness of winter...new green on weathered branches. gusty breezes blowing away that stale feeling of being inside too long. i go outside and cannot help but breathe too deeply.

i love easter week. (not because of excesses of chocolate available, although that is a perk!)

it is a reminder of the ultimate fresh start--the spiritual one we can have in this life. it is a reminder of a heavy price Jesus paid for all of humanity for all time and it is a reminder of extravagant love. the cross is stained with His crimson blood so that we might be made gleaming white. i love that this week gives intentional opportunity to reflect and meditate on Jesus and what He accomplished in this life that changes all of eternity.

i love fresh starts. i love to breathe it in deeply.

long time, no blog

2009-04-01T14:19:00.003-05:00

it has been awhile. not sure why. life has been crazy busy, but i have found moments of solitude sprinkled through it all. i guess i have been pretty selfish with those moments--wanting to study, to read, to listen, to rest. and honestly, i was unsure if the things of life recently have been blog-worthy...it has been routine busyness and some of the same old, same old.

so why am i saying anything about it today? not sure. life's busy. i need a quiet moment here and there to help with perspective and give me time to think about motives and motivation, values and choices, desires and direction and most importantly, to have a quiet moment to listen attentively to what God has to say...

is this post one of deep value or content? not necessarily... but just something to say that i am here and that life is going on a day at a time.

two things

2009-03-10T16:05:00.003-05:00

i was grateful for moments of silence today. to study, to marvel, to digest thoughts, to process, to dream, to refocus... i am learning that i have to be so intentional to find quiet. i am too easily distracted and i desperately need those moments of quiet each day.

i have been studying in the psalms lately. today were psalms 127 and 128. to realize that true happiness and blessing come from two simple things was an encouragement to me. happiness and blessing come from fearing God and following His commands. it doesn't sound like a great ride--of being scared and following someone else's to-do list. but if you truly ponder on what fearing God is and what obeying His commands mean, your perspective shifts.

i have done all kinds of things that do not fit into 'fearing God' or 'obeying His commands.'

the primary consequences are emptiness and a mess that only God can clean up. that emptiness has been consuming in my life at times...there was a gnawing deep inside and truly, only God has been able to satisfy. i think about the times i have felt the most full and God was always at the center of it.

our selfish moments can satisfy for a moment, but they leave you empty and thirsty afterwards. we can choose to fill that with another selfish moment and another and another...but the emptiness will only deepen. OR...we can look at what this Scripture shares and learn the life-lesson from it. happiness and blessing only come from one place...and it is not us. happiness and blessing can only come from a God that is to be feared, respected, revered and that can bless in ways that we cannot even begin to fathom.

that is what i want...deep, full happiness and blessing that does not fade because it comes from God. i only need to do two things. i only need to see God for who He is and i need to follow the example He has already laid out for us in His Son, Jesus Christ: to love God and to love others.

two things...

story after story after story after story

2009-02-24T19:17:00.004-06:00

last night, carter and his dad needed to go to basketball practice, so colin and i got to have a little bit of time together before bed. as we watched the big guys head out the door, there was a sweet voice by my side...

"mommy...can we just read a bunch of stories under the big green blanket?"

we read.

and read and read.

'i love you the purplest'

'junior's colors'

'the north star'

'i love you because you're you'

'my big brother'

'welcome to birdwell island'

'are you my mother?'

...

it was just a sweet time. i pointed to the words he could read and he "read" with me too. then it was off to brush teeth and to be tucked in. prayers and kisses. one last drink and more kisses. lights off and i was out to the living room. i heard a pitter-patter across his room and back to his bed. knowing colin, i thought i better check in with him.

"whatcha doing, munchkin?"

(i saw him holding a journal and pen)

"i needed to write."

"really?"

"yeah...i needed to write the words we read together so i don't forget them."

*smiles*

i hope he writes as many stories as we read.

kinda like a country song

2009-02-19T17:34:00.002-06:00

have not blogged lately. not because there are not things to share, but because things have just seemed a little overwhelming and i felt like it would be all 'woe is me' kind of posts. (okay, i will say right here and now that i know that my little problems are exactly that--LITTLE. there are far more difficult and terrible things going on in the world and my little list below is pretty trite.)

in the past few weeks--

--my dog was hit by a car

(thank goodness he walked away with only psychological side effects, not a physical injury in the least)

--car speeding by knicked mine and i was not fast enough to get a license plate number

--it was our week at the basketball game to bring drinks and i totally forgot

--library books are overdue

--my youngest was sick, complete with vomiting

--i have been sick (not as bad as my youngest)

--got one bill in the mail two days too late because i kept forgetting to get stamps

--some thing from the past came up and it brings up a whole host of emotions as i process it all again

--some things i would really rather not say on a blog where just anybody can read it all

but, to look on the bright side of things--

--my family has had time together at home, just enjoying each other

--we did not have a car accident, despite another car knicking us

--we have friends that love us and forgive silly moments

--our sicknesses have been short-lived and we are blessed with good health

--we have jobs that help pay the bills (and we have bills to pay because we have a nice home)

--our future is not determined by our past

--God knows each thing we go through and works all things together for His good

compassion's blog

2009-02-04T14:54:00.004-06:00

please visit compassion international's blog.

http://blog.compassion.com/

i stop here EVERY day.

to hear how God is working. to see how little things are making a difference in a big way. to hear stories of people climbing out of poverty with hope and dreams. to see pictures of children and their families and know that they have enough for today. to see a silver lining in some very dark clouds.

it is too easy to forget all of the world that is struggling to make it through the day while we sit in our living rooms and minivans, picking up drive-thru because it was easier for us today... this blog reminds me of how blessed we are and how God wants us to help others (and that is a small, easy thing to do!).

this blog is a starting point for me...first--to remember others, second--to move beyond remembering others to acting and doing something for others. i love how God can use little things to motivate us and move us forward. He is good.

figuring it out

2009-02-02T16:45:00.002-06:00

i am sitting in my living room, dog at my side (don't tell my husband that he is on the couch with me...seriously) and just listening. i have heard the same portion of a phrase of music over twenty times. i absolutely love it. i am hearing my son try to get the mind and fingers and instrument to align together on these few notes. it is not perfect. heck, it is not even pretty to listen to...but he is trying and learning and that is a beautiful sound.

it reminds me of my school years where i sounded TERRIBLE on the flute, but boy, did i want to figure that thing out. i wanted to make my fingers work so i would not have to think about them while my body was trying to figure out what it needed to do to have a crystal-pure tone. i would go in my room and close the door and stay there for hours, working on the same song over and over. (sorry, mom...you must have been sick of 'windy' and me trying to play the melodies on the radio!)

the feeling of figuring something out...of getting past the technical to the musical...of conquering something you could not do before...that is a part of experiencing life...i love it. (and he is playing better now that he was just a half-hour ago!)

up, down and all over

2009-01-27T22:28:00.002-06:00

it has been a day, a week, a month...

specifically today...there have been lows like a child not feeling well or knowing that a friend is going through an organ transplant in another city today and highs like a quiet moment with God, time with family or some encouragement on a recent endeavor.

i have been happy today, in tears, tired and encouraged.

i think i will sleep very soundly tonight...i have been all over today.

beautiful day

2009-01-21T15:13:00.003-06:00

we are in the middle of january and we played outside in the backyard today...

without coats! soccer and basketball and on the swingset.

just a beautiful, spring-like winter day!

one foot in front of the other

2009-01-19T15:31:00.004-06:00

there are times when things seem to come so easy and naturally and others where it feels like everything is simply a struggle. i have really been struggling with some things lately. i have done my best to not worry, to take things as they come, one step at a time.

lately, i have heard of so many struggles. it is hard not to become overwhelmed by it all...by those all around us that are struggling emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually... i am so grateful for a God that asks us to come and lay it all before Him because He always has a plan for our best in all things.

left...right...left...right...i will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that God will help sustain and direct and guide.

a little more today

2009-01-11T14:40:00.002-06:00

lately, i have been in awe at watching my boys grow up and feeling just a little of the ache of letting them go just a little more each day. it is good that they are growing up and stretching their wings, preparing for the flight that will inevitably come... as a mom, i am learning how to hold them a little looser and entrusting them to the One that so lovingly has let me care for them here.

today, carter officially begins his basketball season. his team has had a few practices and it is time to put what they have been working on into practice. we approach the season with a little concern--two years ago, they were the 'undefeated losers.' we can laugh now at this. :) last year, some things started to come together--in the last half of the season. for this year, i think we are just hoping that there are enough victories to help build some confidence, yet enough losses for them to realize the need to continue learning, practicing, and focusing on the concept of working together as a team. i am in awe of the life lessons that can be taught through a recreational activity. i hope today is a good day for carter--not necessarily winning a game, but in learning valuable lessons.

for colin, everything is about the word 'no' right now. he hates it, despises it, throws a temper tantrum when the word is uttered to him. he really perplexes me as he struggles through this. his brother has been a 'parent pleaser', understanding the directive 'listen and obey.' the whole concept of obeying when you disagree with the direction and having to go along with something different than you would like is just foreign to him. colin loves doing things his way--even if it is harder or not always in his best interest. he keeps me on my knees talking to God...yet i see an incredible vivaciousness in him that is just contagious. i think he will be a very effective, strong man someday if he learns that 'no' is not always a bad thing...

i will watch them grow a little each day, praying that they become the incredible, strong, gifted, effective men of God that He created them to be...that they will be blessed far beyond anything i could ever hope for them.

so i let go just a little more today.

whoa

2009-01-07T08:34:00.001-06:00

the more i think i know about who God is, the more awestruck i am.

He is unfathomable, awe-inspiring, incomprehensible.

bloggy

2009-01-06T14:29:00.002-06:00

i have been catching up on some blog reading lately. i have to say that it has been an incredibly encouraging, motivating, enlightening, humbling, thought-provoking, challenging, driving time.

it amazes me to read the beautiful, creative, powerful thoughts of so many. it whispers in a voice that encourages me to dream and hope and feel and create.

i am grateful for these bloggy moments today--they are incredible reminders of a creative spirit that is always growing and can be attributed to an all-creative, all-powerful God.

blog on, people...blog on.

a most monday monday

2009-01-05T13:47:00.001-06:00

it is the monday after holiday break. this is one of the most monday mondays that i have experienced in quite awhile.

looking forward to tuesday :)

tearing up at beauty

2009-01-04T16:59:00.003-06:00

i was driving early to church this morning with the goal of not missing the before-rehearsal meeting. was singing along to the ipod and then i turned a corner and was silenced. there was a breath-taking sunrise that truly was beyond explanation.

a cool blue accented by a pink clouds that i don't know how to describe. the pink stretched low along the horizon and where the sun was just beginning to peer up was the distinct pillar of pink, completely perpendicular to the horizon. it was so...divine, etheral...it made me feel something because all of a sudden i was wiping my eyes to clear the tears. i don't know what i was feeling...but was moved. it felt like God painted this beautiful picture in the sky just for me to marvel all. it was a beautiful way to start a sunday morning.

i hope

2008-12-29T22:16:00.003-06:00

we are at the approach of a new year.

it is a time of year where it is natural to look back at the past year and see all that we are grateful for and have worked through and have seen progress in.

it is a time where it is natural to look ahead, make promises, create expectations.

as i look to the new year, i will not make resolutions--they are too easily broken.

i will share hopes because there is a God that can do amazing things with our hope when placed in Him.

i hope to know God more day by day this year, where i can honestly say that there is a deeper passion and a deeper love at the end of the year than there was at the start. i hope that i truly know just a small part of Him so intimately that i will never be the same again.

i hope that my life profoundly affects my children, where they can learn and grow daily despite my imperfections. i hope that they are life-long learners...always curious, always joyful, always wanting to know just a bit more. i hope that day by day, they grow to be amazing men of God.

i hope that our family's heart grows for those who are lost, hurting, broken...who can show love in many ways, knowing that we can 'be Jesus' to people everyday at anytime.

i hope to dream big dreams again, ones that are bigger than me that require a God far bigger than anything that can pop into my mind. i hope that i can let God heal the hurts that only He can heal and that i can come out stronger in my faith, in my character.

i hope that i take time each day to listen quietly to what God has to say, that i would understand clearly and obey. i hope to hear Him speak.

i hope that our family continues to bless our Compassion children in brazil. i hope that they know how loved they are--even if we can only show that by financial means and through prayers, letters and small tokens of our love for them. i hope that some day soon, we could meet them face to face.

i hope that our family and friends know how grateful we are and what they mean to us each day and that we can bless them in return.

i hope that i find joy in each day, seeing God's hand in things little and big.

i hope that i never take anything for granted.

i hope.

a prayer

2008-12-22T06:56:00.002-06:00

Father God, i ask that you bring Truth into my life instead of the lies that so often fill this world.

i ask for peace that only You can give in the middle of chaos.

i ask for healing where there has been hurt.

i ask for humility, that i might know only who i am in You.

i ask for grace, that i might love with no record of wrongs like You do every moment.

i ask for mercy and forgiveness for all the things i have done wrong and apart from You.

i ask for joy in all circumstances, with eyes that i might see how You are working for good in all things.

i ask for a servant's heart, modeled and fashioned only after Jesus'.

i ask for tenderness, that no bitterness takes root in my life because of the hard things in life.

i ask for the capacity to love unconditionally like You have done through Your Son.

i ask for strength to stand for You and Your Truths because it is impossible to do it alone.

i ask for eyes to see all Your works, the beautiful details and creativity that we can not fathom fully unless You open our eyes to see.

i ask for wisdom and knowlege to live by each day.

i ask for self-control when i want to do things my way instead of following Your commands and examples.

i ask for quiet moments each day where i can hear You whisper into my life.

i ask for understanding as i walk through each day.

i ask for purpose, that i might know and do all that You want to do through me as i serve You.

i ask for You to help me be all that You created me to be each and every day.

i come not asking these things on my behalf, i come asking Jesus, my Savior, who is the only perfect One and the only who can come to You and ask these things. i ask them in His name, trusting in the work He did on the cross on my behalf, wholly fearful, wholly grateful, and with my whole-heart.

in Jesus' name...amen.

puppy moments

2008-12-15T14:53:00.003-06:00

i am having a little 'moment' here in my living room that i just had to blog about...

we recently purchased (that's right, purchased! not a hand-me-down or used...) two loveseats to go in our living room. since they moved in, we all love hanging out in this room! (i think the christmas tree helps as well :) ) i am sitting on one loveseat, sadly checking facebook and all the blogs i bookmarked while colin and chewy are sitting opposite me on the other loveseat.

here's the dialogue i am listening to and smiling like crazy:

colin: who's my little puppy?

chewy: (lays his head on colin's lap)

colin: that's right. you're my puppy. are you a good puppy?

chewy: (hasn't moved an inch)

colin: well...you're kinda a naughty puppy sometimes.

chewy: (trying to chew colin's hands)

colin: yes, puppy. you try to eat my mittens.

chewy: (now getting restless and gets off couch)

colin: do you want to play, puppy? i'll play ball with you.

chewy: (now bringing balls left and right to colin)

[end of dialogue...balls, boy and dog are a blur in the living room]

wait...one more...

colin: come here puppy, i love ya.

a good cry

2008-12-10T15:03:00.002-06:00

a christmas card set me to tears today. a christmas card in my mom's writing, but from my grandma and grandpa had me in tears. my grandma cannot write like she used to (or drive or clean or...). she needed my mom to help her do christmas cards this year. i am so honored to have my mom as my mom--she has been modeling selfless love through caring for her parents--traveling and cleaning, errands and conversation. the card makes me so sad because it is a reminder of how things are changing (as they inevitably do). but the rapid deterioration of my grandparents health is what make the change so hard to watch and experience.

i am glad the card came today. i just needed a good cry.

sick kid. incredibly busy and stressful work week. some built up emotions and heartache. maxed kids and pets--and we are only on wednesday! tears helped. to get some of that emotion just out. i do not understand everything i was crying about today--i just know i needed to do it.

i am not freaking...seriously!

2008-12-08T16:53:00.002-06:00

okay, my monday morning started out at 3:34 am with carter sharing how he puked all over his bed and clothes. it was followed shortly with colin joining us in bed because he was having bad dreams. (you can imagine the sleep that took place before the alarm went off at 6:15)

this is one of the most stressful times of year at work. our christmas presentation is this week on top of the normal services. there are lots of behind the scenes extras and i know that if i do not do my role effectively, it makes things far more stressful for not only me later in the week, but many others.

things did not go at all as planned this morning. hubby stayed home with kids in the morning so i could work and then we needed to switch for the afternoon. there was a training meeting at work this morning that i completely forgot about and all kinds of little things that took far longer than they normally would just because of the multiple things happening this week.

we have major things going every single night this week. practices, rehearsals, concerts... i still don't have sitters lined up like i need to. i did not make it to the grocery store like i needed to today because i needed to stay home with a sick boy.

now...here's the kicker. i am not freaking...at all. i know God has it all in His hands. He will use me if i am open and willing to be His vessel. He cannot use me when i am holding onto all the little pieces, trying to control and manipulate them to fit my way. i came home from work and did not worry about a thing. (even when e-mails and phone calls came) i know it is God's.

i am enjoying my boys--wanted to snuggle and talk together. we have carter's homework packet to look at together and colin wants to read car story after car story.

(carter even said i can go blog and catch up on e-mails because he can get going on his math page. whoa. that is a miracle!)

no freaking...just letting God do His thing.

i smile.

2008-12-04T15:34:00.002-06:00

i am sitting here in front of my christmas tree, all lit up, with a soft smile across my face.

been catching up on some e-mails, some blog reading... in my reading, i got to see someone living their life to the fullest that God is calling them to. how cool is that!--to see and experience someone using their very unique gifts and are fully aware that God is working through them. i know God has used them in my life and today, i got to see the ripple effect of how many people their life impacts.

i smile.

oh so quietly

2008-12-03T23:03:00.002-06:00

have you ever felt invisible? i have to admit that i have felt that way quite a bit lately.

there are moments that it hurts deeply, that it causes tears

there are reminders from God that i am not invisible to Him,

that nothing goes unseen in His watch.

in thinking about the Christmas season,

i have been reminded that God came into this world

oh-so-quietly with very few knowing what had taken place.

it was not unseen.

although i may feel like my service goes unnoticed

or taken for granted,

i will remember and take heart in my Savior

who came quietly and follow His example.

what to blog?

2008-12-02T15:24:00.003-06:00

what to blog, what to blog? life truly has been a whirlwind lately of goodness and difficulty, of busyness and some heartache. i am unsure of what to talk about...

the seasons seemed to just explode at our home--multiple thanksgivings and christmases in the same four days (with multiple expanded family 'opportunities' that tested character and stamina. don't get me wrong, i love my family but packing everything in a few days in close quarters would test the most devoted saint!)

at work, the holidays mean many extra hours and many extras in general. i have been striving to have a servant's heart in the midst of it all, but there are moments that take me right up to the point of tears. there have been reminders of God's goodness in it all and that helps me take things one day at a time.

we awoke thanksgiving morning to a phone call sharing that my grandpa is not doing well at all. he had fallen out of bed (again) and where the tumor is sitting in his body is causing discomfort like nothing he has experienced before. hospice is coming more frequently and they are upping medicines to help with pain. my grandma is simply exhausted and it is so hard to see her struggling so hard just to function, let alone help take care of her sick husband. i pray that God gives them sweet peace and reminds them of His presence in our lives.

i did get to see my sister who lives in k.c. over the thanksgiving break and that was good. we do not get to see very much of each other, so we need to make the most of the times we can! my brother-in-law has a blast shopping for the boys...night vision was involved this year. need i say anything more?

and my mom and i did do the suicide shopping the day after thanksgiving. we got everything we wanted, waiting very little in lines, and found some special things along the way. i'm excited to see the boys' faces when they open gifts here at home. i think carter is going to be shocked that he and his brother will get what they have been asking about consistently!

life is busy and sometimes hard and has sweet moments tucked all throughout it.

holidays can become more of a mess than what they were ever intended to be, so i am going to be intentional to find a moment each day to focus on the sweet moments, seeing God's goodness in it all.

p.s. just had a hilarious moment...an ambulance rushed by with its sirens full force. our dog howling along, followed by the four year old, and me too. i can only imagine what the neighbors are thinking!

goodbye and hello

2008-11-25T16:42:00.003-06:00

we have been honored to sponsor two children through compassion international. i have been so impressed with their ministry--their heart for truly making a difference not only in children's lives, but their family's and community's as well, their integrity, their financial wisdom...i could gush on and on.

this past week we received some rather sad news from them. mwamnyazi--our nine year old from kenya--had to move away from this compassion project due to the fact that both of his parents have passed and no one was able to take care of him in the area. he has moved to live with his uncle. his uncle does not live in a compassion area, so our sponsorship of him has come to a close. i cried. there was a sweet departure letter, but the goodbye seemed so abrupt as we were just beginning to learn his story and who he is. as i called compassion's sponsor relations line to determine the next step, the counselor shared some very dear things. she reminded us that it is so good that he will be with some family instead of being passed to an orphanage. she reminded us that we need to continue praying not only for mwamnyazi, but for his uncle as well...that the seeds that were planted will continue to grow and he will become a man of God and live his life for Jesus. the compassion staff was so supportive and understanding and reassuring that God has a plan for Him and this is a part of it all.

so...we had the privilege of supporting him for a brief season and will never forget the things he shared in letters and the beautiful dark brown eyes in his picture. i hate saying goodbye--especially when we do not know if there will ever be an opportunity for a 'hello' again this side of Heaven. i pray that God does mighty, mighty things in his life.

after knowing the difference that compassion sponsorship can do in a child's life, we did not hesitate a moment about asking for the opportunity to sponsor another child. thinking and praying about it all, compassion worked with our requests and found us another child in brazil--same country as micaelly--that was in a similar predicament as mwamnyazi...awaiting a sponsor and has limited family to help in their care. looking online, we learned that we will now be sponsoring a fourteen year old girl named maria. i cannot wait to get our packet and first letter from her. she is more than a story, she is a girl that has dreams and plans...and hopefully now is filled with hope of what God can do in her future.

one goodbye and one hello.

we may never get to meet these dear, dear children here on earth. i cannot wait to hug them in Heaven and see all that God made them to be!

p.s. would you please consider making the difference in the life of a child here and now? sponsorship is about a dollar a day and can truly be the difference of life and death for a child. visit Compassion International online today. honestly, i have been blessed beyond measure for the few dollars...it changes me every day and i am grateful!

insomnia...kind of

2008-11-25T00:03:00.003-06:00

i am tired but cannot sleep.

i want to be productive but am having a hard time focusing.

it is times like these when often God is trying to get my attention.

i am going to be quiet and listen.

there are small thoughts that are swirling and rising.

i need to listen.

whirlwind

2008-11-23T21:42:00.002-06:00

been a whirlwind of a week and the next week is looking like one too.

better find a quiet moment to get ready for the new week.

seriously stylish

2008-11-18T16:27:00.002-06:00

my almost four year old has been expanding his vocabulary lately. kids are little sponges, soaking the world in around them. it has been fun to talk and to figure out his understanding of the world around him.

a couple days ago, i rearranged colin's room to make it 'new' for his birthday week. yesterday, i was cleaning windows when he came up behind me and asked me this question:

"mom, do you think my room is stylish?"

my reply: "stylish? well... ahhh...what do you think 'stylish' is?"

colin: "stylish means it is very clean."

my reply: "then, yes, it is stylish right now. we'll ask that again in ten minutes!"

this morning, colin came up to me and said "mom, i am seriously ready to go."

"seriously, colin?"

"seriously, mom."

he proceded to use 'seriously' in as many sentences as possible today.

i seriously loved it! :)

cliche phrases

2008-11-13T14:50:00.003-06:00

i grew up hearing the phrase 'treat others the way you want to be treated'.

as Christians, people who look to Jesus Christ as their source of life and for the ultimate model of how to live life daily, this phrase is more than some cliche. we are not just to live this phrase out, we are to go beyond it--we are to treat others better than ourselves.

wow.

it saddens me that every day, i am surrounded by people who claim Christianity as their credo, their religion, their lifestyle preference, yet the actions simply do not align with this principle of treating others better than you would yourself. i know we all have faults, selfish moments, sin--but the Bible makes it abundantly clear that selfish behavior is not a sign of God at work in our lives. we should be known for our selfless love, our servant hearts, our humility because of the work that God is doing in us daily. it is that selfless love and humility that will draw others to who Jesus is because it is only He that can help us get past ourselves and love others without condition.

religion can be filled with cliche phrases. i pray that my life is filled with signs of God at work in me...love, patience, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. i know i am incapable of those things in their purest essence without His work in me. i want Him to unleash those things so i can only point to God and say that it is all Him.

timeless classics

2008-11-10T16:58:00.006-06:00

this afternoon, colin and i snuggled under a down blanket to read stories on a cold day.

sick dinosaurs and bears that talk helped us learn a small lesson or two.

he asked me to sing him a song i knew when i was a little girl. (i love when he asks things out of the blue!) the only thing that came to mind right away were nursery rhyme songs--

jack and jill

humpty dumpty

london bridge

he kept asking for song after song.

i forgot a few words of some of the more obscure ones,

so we went and got my mother goose book out that my grandparents gave me for christmas.

we opened the cover and there was a note from them, dated 1975.

i got a little teary.

we read and sang and sang and read.

little boy blue

what little boys are made of

little jack horner

colin loved it. we went through the over one hundred pages in this book with yellowed pages and drawings that they don't do anymore. i loved that he loved it. he asked if we could read them again later. how can i say no?

(i am trying to figure out how to use some of mother goose's vocabulary in my daily conversation...'betwixt' has got to fit in there somehow!)

terrible patient

2008-11-09T23:27:00.002-06:00

i have been fighting a cold for about a week. i am not a very good sick person.

i have to be incredibly intentional about taking things easy,

about intentionally stepping back and laying low,

about giving the body time to heal while it is fighting infection.

one of the boys has the same cold,

so we have taken times to snuggle for a tad longer than normal.

cannot complain about that :)

colin is a go-getter even when he is under the weather.

(it just requires you following behind with kleenex and antibacterial hand sanitizer.)

hoping we are on the downhill side of the colds.

at least this round.

(going to get some orange juice...)

things don't always make sense

2008-11-05T14:51:00.003-06:00

one of the lessons i have been learning lately is that things do not always make sense and that is okay. things may happen that are unexpected, that are different than the way we would like them to be, may seem unrelated, just seem plain wrong in our perspective...but here is the kicker--the problem is our perspective. we see things completely from our own vantage point with our interest in mind. we can be aware of others perspectives, but will not see things fully from their point of view no matter how hard we try.

now pull back and recognize that there is a God who has the full perspective--of all plans, of all circumstances and situations, of all goals and outcomes, from the beginning to beyond infinity. He has and knows the big picture. it is His perspective that we should be trusting in. it is okay if something may not make sense to me because in God's plans, it has already been orchestrated fully with a final outcome and plan in mind.

knowing that God has what's best for each one of us in mind, we can trust Him for all the things in our life--tragedies and triumphs, big and small steps, logical and illogical...He is the perspective we need in our lives.

vote--it's a right and responsibility here.

2008-11-04T15:31:00.001-06:00

running circles

2008-11-03T14:56:00.002-06:00

i am sitting on my couch watching colin and chewy run circles around each other, around the upstairs, around me. i am not dizzy...yet. although i am becoming exhausted--they do not stop...ever!

well done

2008-10-30T15:49:00.003-05:00

we had a funeral to attend this morning. he was a kind man who always took time, had a story to tell, and you left with a smile on your face. his wife was a mentor to me as we served in ministry together. their family models investing in others' lives every day.

to see the room filled with family and friends, people who were impacted by his life...it was a good feeling. it was a reminder that the most important things in life are the relationships we have--with God, with others... their family has modeled trust and dependence on God...in all circumstances. i am grateful for their example.

he lived life well and will be missed.

looking

2008-10-27T15:14:00.005-05:00

looking.

i have been looking for something, but am not exactly sure what IT is.

there is something deep within that is calling me.

i am looking for the next piece...the next step...

i am learning that i need to be quiet and listen very carefully.

i need to be careful that i don't get in the way.

i know that this isn't really about me.

i know that there is something much bigger.

this is a risk, an adventure, a process, a journey.

i'm looking and listening and learning and growing.

i have to admit that i'm a little scared (and a little excited).

but i find great solace knowing that there is One

that has incredible plans

and i rest with Him.

partly cloudy

2008-10-23T16:54:00.003-05:00

feeling a bit like the weather today...little cloudy, little dark with moments of glorious sunshine peaking out here and there. i am hoping that all-day sunshine is in the forecast for tomorrow.

rainy tuesday

2008-10-21T15:31:00.002-05:00

it is tuesday. it is a rainy tuesday. it is a rainy tuesday that is just beckoning for time on the couch, curled up under a blanket, reading a good book. think that is what we are going to do now.

nice.

where do you go?

2008-10-12T16:21:00.003-05:00

my journey with Jesus began by reading in the psalms.

it is where i always turn to first when i need to reground and regroup.

it is my reminder to worship in all things.

it is my reminder of how emotionally beautiful our relationship is with God.

it is my reminder of how God wants us to cry out to Him in all things.

when i am feeling stupid or don't know what to do,

i read in proverbs.

being a woman, proverbs thirty one is an incredible reminder.

it reminds me of the possibility of what i can become

when i let God do His work in me.

when i want to know about who wins at the end of the day,

i go to revelation and daniel and isaiah.

there is mystery i do not understand,

but i know what the final outcome will be.

when i need a role model and a hero,

i turn to the story of joseph

and admire his character and perseverance,

his trust and faith in a God that did not answer him in the way he expected.

when i need something radical,

something profound, yet simple.

when i want to see love and forgiveness,

just anger and action.

when i need to hear a master teacher

and someone who steps outside of the lines every time,

i flip to matthew, mark, luke and john

and find every word in red.

Jesus' profound, life- and world-changing teachings

that stir up emotions and actions.

life cannot be the same after you spend some time with Him.

there are many places to go when life is coming at you.

where do you go?

mustard

2008-10-11T20:43:00.003-05:00

a condiment. typically goes with hot dogs or hamburgers, maybe a sandwich.

tonight, it reminded me of God's variety, of His design in making things with great variety.

we grilled hot dogs for supper tonight. went to grab all the condiments to put on the table.

typical yellow table mustard.

chipotle mustard.

smoky onion mustard. (mmm...tasty)

how does this relate to God? variety. God made variety. God loves variety.

He could have made us all the same.

He could have made the things around us identical.

He could have made our perspectives exactly the same.

He could have made the landscape of the world entirely predictable.

but He didn't.

we come in different colors with all kinds of variables.

eye color, hair type and color, height, width.

talents, interests, abilities, likes and dislikes.

we have different passions and fears.

some of us love to be in the middle of it all.

some of us love to find a secluded place.

some of us love both.

we are surrounded by cities or wide-open spaces.

there are animals and plants of incredible variety around us.

the weather changes constantly.

the seasons show us variety.

some are incredibly sensitive and some do not notice the emotions of others.

some of us are thinkers and some thrive on action.

some go on impulse and some are reserved, wanting to wait before acting.

loud, soft, artistic, athletic.

mountains, plains, ocean, desert.

arid, humid, rainy, snowy.

peaks, valleys.

i am so grateful that He gave great attention to detail.

an infinite variety of detail.

we get to enjoy the infinite variety of His creation.

tonight at our house, it was mustard.

tomorrow, it is an infinite amount of possibilities.

what someone can do with cardboard and a video camera

2008-10-10T21:24:00.002-05:00

blank

2008-10-06T17:27:00.002-05:00

my mind is just blank today. it kind of was yesterday too.

caught in a routine and it causes me to check out a bit.

have not been in a creative mood, an adventurous mood, a learning mood.

i am bummed about that.

i am reading a book that is getting me a little excited.

'the organic god'

liking it. it makes you look at the little things with new eyes.

makes you look at who God made you to be.

makes you think at how you want God to be at work in your life.

hoping the blank goes away soon

and the creative and adventurous and learning come in great abundance.

i do not like being blank.

puppy love

2008-10-01T14:43:00.006-05:00

i am watching my dog look out the window, watching the world go by.

would love to know what goes through his brain--he gets all excited as some cars go by and others simply do not captivate his attention. squirrels used to cause him to run and slide into the window in the hopes that one of these times, he would make it out and get to chase and now he knows that he is not to chase them everywhere, so he doesn't even blink as one skitters across the yard.

he looks happy. he knows he's home and he's spoiled.

(two minutes later...)

i am now very frustrated with my dear, sweet, happy puppy.

during the typing of the first paragraph of this entry, he decided to tip over my glass of water on the coffee table--soaking the papers and pictures i had there.

then, i had to pry one of colin's favorite hot wheels from his mouth.

next, i had the joy of reminding him that floor rugs are not chew toys and neither are my feet.

thinking it's time for that dear, sweet, happy puppy to spend some time in the backyard. :)

girly (???!!!!!)

2008-09-26T09:27:00.002-05:00

for the first time in a very LONG time, i get to have a girly morning!

(i am in shock, confused and struggling with what to do!)

hubby is home today watching little one. big one is off at school.

i got to take the dog for a walk already--he's a boy...but i am still counting it as a girly moment.

i am headed out the door in a bit to meet a friend

--no kids

--at a mall

--going to have coffee

awesome!

there will be housecleaning this afternoon

(i guess you can call that a girly moment)

company over tonight--excited!

i am a bit giddy about it all.

everything. now.

2008-09-22T14:37:00.003-05:00

God has been reminding me a lot lately about how i am to bring every little thing to Him. everything. not some of my stuff, not a majority, but every last ounce. He has been reminding me of this as some things have felt so overwhelming that my only choice is to cry out to Him. the difficulties have not gone away or suddenly become 'easy', but i know that there is a God that knows each intricate detail of my life and that He (and He alone) can not only handle each detail, but is Master over them all. i trust Him with everything because He is a God who loves infinitely, who has paid the ultimate price just so we can have a relationship together, who is holy and sovereign and over all. i give it all to Him. today. now.

thanks

2008-09-19T15:15:00.001-05:00

today, i feel especially grateful for good friends, good neighbors, family and friends that love unconditionally. what a blessing.

maybe we'll celebrate early

2008-09-15T22:21:00.002-05:00

my grandpa's birthday is next wednesday. (next week)

the hard thing, hospice is coming in the next few days.

i hope we get to celebrate.

rainy day

2008-09-12T11:37:00.003-05:00

it's raining and raining. my dog keeps going over to the window, longingly looking outside and whimpering. pacing and chewing on things he should not be chewing on to curb boredom. we've played fetch and given a treat or two. colin's walked him through the house a few times. he came with us on a ride. and it's not even noon yet. he's just aching to get outside. i think i am too.

(i did let colin stomp through puddles this morning. a wet toddler is far easier to clean up than a wet dog! smells much better too. :) )